Appendix 11: DOS AND DONTS LIST for Support Parents (Peer Counselors) - Things to Do

• Let the family you are talking to direct the conversation. Encourage them to express their concerns and questions.
• Be open-minded and accepting of their feelings and attitudes.
• Be a good listener.
• Confidentiality is a must.
• Acknowledge and talk to and about the other children in the family.
• Ask about the other parent and how he or she is doing if they are not present.
• Ask the parent how he or she is doing. In particular, ask about how the mother is recovering from the birthing process if a newborn.
• Act as a friend and share similar feelings, fears, apprehensions etc.
• Boost morale and self-image, e.g. comment on positive steps they have already taken.
• Tactfully relate your own positive experiences, but let them find their own solutions.
• Inform them of support services related to their child’s disability, but don’t overload them with information at first as they may feel threatened.
• Give them the basic PHP information packet to keep and use as the need arises. Encourage them to start a file in one place for the child’s records and papers.
• Encourage parents to take time out for themselves, with a view toward balance in caring for and meeting the needs of all the family members.
• Agree with them, if they say, that this is a terrible thing that has happened to them and their child (not that the child is a terrible thing).
• Find something about the child that lets you make a positive or complimentary statement (curly hair, great skin, sleeping well, crying - has good lungs, etc).

Things Not To Do

• Do not try to psychoanalyze.
• Do not give medical advice.
• Do not try to give final answers or solutions. You may tell them what you have done, but let them reason things out. You may try to present various alternatives.
• Do not criticize professionals, agencies, or institutions of care. You will of course listen patiently to them if they complain or criticize. Then you may say something like: you are really upset about your last visit to the doctor; or, I can understand how upset you must be. These are acceptable neutral comments; you are not attacking the service provider.
• Do not "dump" your problems on them. (If you are having a rough time call your MSP or call PHP and talk to the person that contacted you or another PHP Staff). Do not accept an assignment if things are hectic for you at the time of the call.
• Do not take on their problem. You are there to help them by being a good listener as they talk about and come up with possible solutions for their problem. You may suggest referrals and resources that can help them. These actions let you reach out and help the family without directly solving their problem or taking it on as yours.
• Do not talk about them to others. If they have shared a problem with the family services staff at the center you can discuss it with them to gain further information to support them.
• Do not share medicines.

Resource: "Visiting Parents" is a Peer Counselors Training Workbook by Florene Stewart Poyadue. This complete manual is available through the National Center on Parent-Directed Family Resource Centers. Call: PHP-The Family Resource Center, National Center  Ph: (408) 727-5775.

(c) Florene Stewart Poyadue, 1991

Evidence Based Practices for Parent to Parent Support
http://www.p2pusa.org/EBPdocumentP2PUSAsummary.pdf

Map of Parent-to-Parent Organizations in the US
http://www.p2pusa.org/

National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities. http://www.nichcy.org/Pages/Home.aspx

Disability Resources
http://www.disabilityresources.org/

EP Global Communications Inc., the parent company of Exceptional Parent ( EP)
http://www.eparent.com/